After my shoulder surgery this week I have pretty much been in the bed, not getting dolled up, which I rarely do, but not placing any importance on my appearance…(my poor hubs is a trooper with this.) As I began to consider journaling today, I chose to embrace my ugliness, what was underneath it all, and allow myself the freedom to give a rats arse what I look like. The entry that came from all of this is quite a hoot and I love it. I love it because it is imperfect, weird, rather strange to look at but it seems to have a beauty about it just the same. This is what comes from giving yourself the freedom to be ugly….you realize beauty is not far away…..real beauty that is.
I sketched my initial image giving homage to my round face, my pointed chin, and other peccadilloes that have a voice of ugliness in my head. I knew it didn’t really matter if I drew anything even close to a person, I was drawing features instead….and the person evolved. I did gesso the paper first, which always gives such great texture, and went back over my sketch with a black, watercolor pencil. Ever so slowly I began adding details, color washes, layers, and thinking about why I find these specific issues troublesome when it comes to beauty. I did not intentionally plan out any of the finished layers, just listened to my heart and followed where it led. I did write in my thoughts into the dress, because I knew I wanted to symbolically wash away some of those connections or agreements I had formed.
The final product made me laugh out loud. It has the femine and masculine traits, it is bizarre, but in its own way I think it is beautiful. I might spend a bit more time with the concept of ugliness. It shapes so many of my own feelings and thoughts, and I would guess is a powerful frame of reference for many of us.